emotional, food, marriage, personal, physical, spiritual, Uncategorized

endometriosis and the journey it’s been: PART I

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i honestly think i’ve been subconsciously avoiding this blog post for… just about a year now. not because it’s uncomfortable to talk about, but because – i think – by writing about it, it’s actually real.

and it is.

another piece of waiting so long to write anything at all is the fact that i’ve been trying to understand endometriosis itself. it’s something that – i’ve learned – is hard to understand.

so, i’m finally taking a shot at writing about my endo journey and what this past year [and before then] has looked like. and you know? if i can help even one person NOT feel alone on this wild endometriosis ride [and everything else health-wise that it has led to…] that is enough. if i can share about the way in which Jesus is holding my suffering in His hands and handing me joy, too, then that is enough. if i’ve learned anything over the past year or so, it’s simply that there is truly no such thing as wasted suffering when we bring it to Jesus. [even – if at times – i’m yelling and kicking and screaming about it all when i do bring it to Him!]

to get up to speed, i’m sharing here an insta post i’d posted the day before my laparoscopic surgery that led to my official diagnosis.

April 29, 2021: 2 wednesdays ago, i went to the ER with severe lower right abdominal pain. the long story short – they found two large cysts on both of my ovaries and gave me a probable diagnosis of endometriosis. tomorrow we’ll remove both cysts, scar tissue, endometrial cells, and anything else that shouldn’t be there.

at my pre-op apt on Tuesday, as i sat in the hospital chair, the nurse asked a bajillion pre-op questions. i honestly spaced out a bit as she went through medical history, prescriptions, supplements, etc.

and then she asked this: “how many pregnancies have you had?” my heart stopped in that moment. “two,” i responded. “and how many births?” “one,” i said.

i could almost feel the air leave my lungs. there will always be a missing piece, a little soul we’ll only hold in Heaven.

i looked down at my shoes and realized that for as much as i’m excited for this surgery to solve my pain issues, the reality is is that we’ve been trying to grow our family for about 5 months and haven’t been able to.

it’s been a journey of hope + disappointment + lots of opportunities to grow in ✨TRUST✨ most of all.

to me, the ER visit was a blessing in disguise because everything has been in fast forward since then. blood work. CT scans. ultrasounds. next up: surgery.

so here we are, the day before it all. and the nurse’s next words still remain with me, too: “do you want to have more kids?” “YES!” – i startled myself because i semi-screamed my response to her question.

our hearts long for more kiddos. Cal would be an incredible big sis to more babies earth-side. and yet still – even if, even when – we have right now. this life. each other. His grace. & will i allow myself to let this be enough?

yes we want more babies! and yet, i don’t want to be consumed by sadness and grief if we never have more babies. i so desire to revel in the story He’s writing for us + find treasure in it ALL – even if, even when. 🤍

surgery went well. doctors found and removed two large softball sized cysts – one from each ovary. i recovered well, too + felt for the first time in a LONG time that i was on the up and up. my doctor let me know that now, it was more or less of a waiting game to see what – if anything – would return. the cysts could return right away, down the road or never… and only time would tell.

for as much as i was excited about feeling well again [it legit felt like they’d removed bricks from my lower abdomen!], i was simultaneously feeling incredibly defeated. HOW could it be that we could go through all of THIS only to play a waiting game to see what, if anything would return.

i asked a million and two questions about what i could be doing to take care of my health from the inside out. i asked a million and two questions about HOW and WHY cysts grew. i asked a million and two times for bloodwork to be done. and a million and three times, i was left with few, if any, of the answers i knew would be of benefit.

amidst all of this, i was also informed that between 6 weeks and 6 months post surgery would be ‘prime-time’ to conceive again…

so between wondering if and when i’d grow more cysts resulting in unbearable pain again, the pressure [that i put on myself to feel…] to have another baby was on.

as an aside, let me be clear: i am PRO-SCIENCE. i am also PRO-ALTERNATIVES. i am also PRO-DOING YOUR OWN RESEARCH. both/and. my doctors did the BEST they knew how to do, i am really confident of that. i also realized during this time that medical doctors aren’t always equipped to have the answers we desire, and THAT’S OKAY. surprising? yes – because we live in a world and society that promotes treating the SYMPTOMS and not the ROOT CAUSES of our experiences. at this time, through frustration, i realized that there ARE other paths to take. both/and. it’s not something i’d seriously considered before.

—

time continued on and at the end of 2021 [about 8 months post-surgery], i was beginning again to feel really awful. to the point that my body physically hurt in a similar way i’d experienced when my cysts were at their worst. even MWB putting his hand on my back sent shivers through my body, i was so sensitive. what’s more? i’d ovulate and my entire body hurt for 24 hours or more, so you can imagine how likely we were to get pregnant. moreover, i’d go to bed each night excessively bloated.

very little made sense to me. and in my gut, i knew that there was something more going on.

not to mention, my mid-afternoon slump. every day, it would get to about 1p in the afternoon and i’d STRUGGLE to keep my eyes open and fight against myself because all i wanted was to nap. no amount of caffeine could shake me from my body’s desire to rest.

JANUARY 2022 rolled around and i told MWB through tears that i was in so much pain again and thought my cysts were back. i’d tried to schedule an appointment at my doctor’s office because of the intense pain, but wouldn’t be seen until the end of March. another wave of defeat and confusion. another wave of frustration and wanting to yell from the rooftops: SOMEONE HELP ME!

i felt really lost and really unseen. it’s a hard place to be when there is so much ‘healthcare’ and so many ‘health experts and professionals’ around. WHY couldn’t anyone tell me what the heck was happening with my body and what my next steps should be? [okay side tangent that i’ll most likely dig into at some point down the road: WHY is it that more money is being funneled into healthcare than ever before AND WE ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY MORE SICK than we have ever been…? food for thought, literally.]

—

through a crazy series of events, one of our gym friends briefly mentioned The Wellness Way clinics and the help she’d found in them for a variety of health issues she was struggling with. i’d heard her talk about it on a few different occasions and was always so impressed by what i’d heard from her. she was on the up and up because of the care she was receiving.

another reason what she shared peaked my interest: when you’re desperately in pain and desperate to FEEL healthy + to be heard and understood: you’re typically open to much more than you might be otherwise.

—

as i stood in the kitchen looking at MWB through tears, i told him i was going to reach out to the Wellness Way to see if they could see me sooner. i honestly had little idea of what i’d even say at my appointment or how i’d explain all that had occurred over the last few years, but something in my soul said DO IT.

i called the next morning and spoke to sweet LynDee. i basically dumped my life story on her and she listened with patience and grace. i cried on that phone call as she told me i could be seen the next morning – FINALLY, i felt, i was about to step into HEALTH from the inside out which is not something you receive with the typical healthcare approach. in our healthcare system, for the most part – we work from the OUTSIDE IN. and that’s not always what’s best.

sometimes when you sense change is coming and it finally does, it takes your breath away in the best of ways. this phone call was that for me.

—

fast forward to the present:

i’m working with Dr. Shannon at the Wellness Way and it’s already been eyeopening. during my first visit, we went over all of the labs my doctor had taken. Dr. Shannon immediately asked if my FULL thyroid panel had ever been pulled. i thought it had, but it hadn’t. y’all – WHY?! we took x-rays of my entire body to recognize skeletal imbalances and inflammation. i’ve also had 2 blood tests, a 3-day urine test and a 3-day stool test [yup!] and we’ll go over these results this coming Monday, March 14th. I CANNOT WAIT.

more to come – but for now i’ll leave this here:

i’m digging into it all – for myself to heal and grow and change and continue to become the very best me i can be for me. but also – for you.

i posted a few instagram polls this past week to see how people felt overall with regard to their own health. the most eye opening data for me were these poll results [data from an average of 2k poll responses the majority of which were women]:

  1. few people know how to define ‘health’
  2. when asked if people felt more healthy than not overall, 60% said NO [y’all!!!!!]
  3. when asked how individuals experience MOST stress in their day-to-day, the majority of responses involved work, navigating their own health journeys with regard to exercise/nutrition/understanding their bodies + and family life [kids + spouse]
  4. over half of the respondents answered YES when asked if stress has caused PHYSICAL implications in their lives
  5. 95% of respondents believe stress steals joy from their lives
  6. 100% of respondents answered that if less stress meant more health in their lives, they’d be willing to put in the work to make changes [AMAZING, but we know we still don’t budge with this being said – so interesting…!]
  7. 100% of respondents answered that they believe that they are 100% responsible for living a healthy and well-rounded life

WOWZA.

as i continue to share, i hope that one of your biggest takeaways is to be FOR yourself. to trust your gut [pun intended!]. to do your own digging. and to be WILLING to do the hard work. health + healing are hard work. and it’s work that i am 100% sure is worth it.

we’re either going to invest in our health now OR we’re going to be forced to invest in our health later. WE get to choose.

as i continue to progress forward, review test results, etc. i’ll continue to share. i’m here as an open book.

AND: coming down the pipeline – lots of chat about STRESS in my own life over the years and how it has been a catalyst in wrecking me from the inside out.

and yet still, there is hope.

SCB.

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emotional, marriage, personal, spiritual, Uncategorized

marriage // the [struggle] + beauty within

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our story is one of redemption. mercy. newness. growth. beauty. Truth. our story is one in which suffering and joy embrace and hold tight to one another. our story is one that – with the help of Jesus’ extraordinary presence – serves to glorify His goodness and mercy. it is a road, we know, that many others walk – but don’t necessarily talk about.

it was September of 2019. we’d been married for 2 years. gal pal Callan was 8.5 months old. and life felt heavy. we were one month post-miscarriage of our second sweet babe. we were in the middle of deciding whether or not we’d move from CO to MN. and in the midst of trying to decide what was next for us, we were temporarily living with my in-laws [bless them!]. MWB worked HARD yet wasn’t appreciated at work. his commute was an hour and some change on a good day, each way. meanwhile, i was a few months into my Zyia ‘biz as a rep – trying to figure things out, grow a team, support the women i welcomed and be a present mama to gal pal.

amidst all of that, money was TIGHT. both Cal + i had overnight stays at the hospital on different occasions earlier that year, so on top of law school loans, we were piled high – and what seemed like buried – under bills and more bills.

to say that life was absolutely stressful, hard, challenging, and all of the other synonyms that match those – it was.

i coped with the stress of it all by venting to MWB about how much i missed him while he was away at work. i think we averaged about 1 hour together before bedtime Monday through Friday during that time. i *tried* my best to cling to Jesus and my quiet time + some days were better than others. i worked out with gal pal at my feet + *tried* to make the best of each day we had as we waited in what felt like a holding pattern to see what God had for us next.

all of that to say, though, weekends were a reprieve from the weekdays we spent a part. they were what i most looked forward to – to feel like a family. i grabbed MWB’s phone one Saturday while he was taking a nap since mine had died. i unlocked it + the image on the screen is one that i will never forget. i knew that MWB had struggled with porn prior to us and even in the early days of our dating, but i had no idea that this was how he had been coping with the stress.

i was in utter shock. heartbroken. stunned. angry. frustrated. confused. hurt. sad. and all of the emotions in between that you can feel when you realize the reality of what’s probably been a reality for a while. most of all, i wanted to run. and honestly, i did. i’d hit a wall in our marriage in which i felt totally insecure. suddenly, the person i trusted the most in the world. the person who was my home. the person who knew every part of me – felt like a stranger.

*pause*

it is an odd [more than odd…] feeling to wonder if you’ve ever totally known your significant other at all. the anger and hurt and frustration that bleed quickly into any circumstance like this is crushing. but i can look back now and see e x a c t l y how Jesus was here with us both, too. in the pain and suffering and also in the hope that He was already offering us for the journey ahead…

*unpause*

before i left the house, i let MWB have it. i honestly don’t remember a lot of what i said in my rage because it felt like a dream. trauma is like that, i think. suddenly your whole world feels like it’s falling and it’s physically hard to breathe. the one thing i did say :: we’re going to figure this out in counseling.

i left the house + stayed with MWB’s sis + her fam that night + made it back home the next morning in time for gal pal to wake up. it was hard walking back into a space that felt shattered + confusing, but grief asks us to face it – doesn’t it? grief left unturned is a recipe for disaster, we’ve learned.

looking at MWB was painful, but here’s the thing. i know that looking at me – from his perspective – was just as painful, though in a different way. we both knew that we had a lot of heavy lifting to do ahead. we both knew we had A LOT to figure out and chat through. we both knew that life – in those moments – felt like an absolute mess. but we also knew in the depths of our hearts that the other was worth fighting for. so we leaned in.

i was scheduled to fly out to Salt Lake City for a Zyia Conference the following weekend. i was excited to ‘run away’ but knew that if there was ever a time to support MWB, it was now. we were driving to the airport and MWB was going to head to a healing service after dropping me off, but at the gate I decided that this was something we needed to do together.

i changed my flight to the next morning and we went to the service to start the process of healing.

we had our first counseling session the following week and i cried the entire time. i felt naked in a lot of ways – wondering what the heck happened. what i did wrong. how could i not have known. i felt guilty for not knowing what was actually going on with my best friend. i wondered [brace yourself] if MWB’s choices to watch porn were because i lacked something the women on a screen had – like big boobs.

i shared all of this with our counselor. and MWB shared too. it was exhausting and did feel like a workout with weights i’d never lifted before. it was learning – in a lot of ways – how we each coped with stress [or didn’t in a lot of ways…]

we saw our counselor twice a week and we also had individual sessions on top of that. in addition to all that we were already going through, it was a lot. it was also s l o w moving. s l o w processing on my part. and exhausting trying to figure out how to start putting the pieces back together.

*sidenote*

here’s the thing. one of my biggest pet peeves among people of faith is this idea that you can *just* “pray it away.” you can’t *just* pray trauma away. you have to actively approach it – hand in hand with Jesus [and maybe a professional here on earth, too!] – and do the hard work. the heavy lifting. prayer is not magic. we have to be willing to put the car in drive + let Jesus help guide us on the road.

*end sidenote*

fast forward to the present. MWB sits beside me as i write this post – in fact, we’re writing it together – because it’s OUR story. we are closer in relationship than we’ve ever been because we’ve put in the hard work. we still go to counseling every 6 weeks, but now we spend most of our time chatting about how the heck to raise a holy 3 year old lolololllll. i still have to fight my own brain at times and remember that we are different + transformed people. our communication about daily stressors is open and we have never communicated more effectively than we do now. #thanksphil

the list goes on – because that’s what healing does.

it brings forth light from dark. it recognizes suffering but focuses on the joy that is now. it prompts us to do the work it takes to move out of what is broken and into the restoration Jesus constantly offers us. it begs us to see the other with compassion, mercy + love. it invites us to walk the road to Calvary and then experiences the glory of the resurrection – T O G E T H E R.

marriage is HARD. whether you’re walking or have walked the same road we have or it’s something else – Jesus is constantly inviting us walk with each other towards eternity. in good times and in bad. in sickness and in health. and in everything that comes our way in between.

the truest gift i’ve ever received in my life is MWB. and i am SO dang proud of him + the work he’s put into his own healing. we are porn free, babayyyyy!!!!! clap clap clap! and as time has gone by and we’ve done the work, i realize just how much he himself has shown me the face of Christ. he has been patient in my healing journey. he has encouraged me to take the time i need to trust again. he has held my hand and leaned into me as i sat frustrated and confused and sad in my emotions. he has prayed for me on this road in all of the moments i couldn’t find the words myself.

he – by his actions – has shown me just how resilient and strong Jesus created me to be.

and that is worth sharing about. the fact that Jesus takes who we are – all of us – and creates beauty from it all. He brings forth goodness from our weaknesses. He transforms all that is broken and shattered into a gorgeous stained glass window from the pieces that seemed irreparable – light shines forth. He makes ALL things new.

MWB and i are very aware that our story is not unique.

a recent study from the Wheatley Institution at Brigham Young University and the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture found that for couples who were married or in a committed dating relationship, over 30% of men in those relationships viewed porn weekly, 75% of those men had viewed porn at least once within the last year. on the flip side, roughly a third of the women worried their partner could be more attracted to pornography than to them and might be thinking about pornography during sex. the same share of women worried their partner was not truthful about his pornography use. approximately 20% of couples reported that porn was a source of conflict in their relationship. more of these statistics can be found here.

all of that to say – you are not alone in whatever your struggle is. and you’re not destined to stay confined in the struggle forever. Grace moves us to beautiful places when we cooperate.

we want you to know our story, yes. but more than that, we want you to know that hope is real. grace is real. Jesus hears your desires for transformation and restoration. He is an expert in all of that.

our story is one of redemption. mercy. newness. growth. beauty. Truth. our story is one in which suffering and joy embrace and hold tight to one another. our story is one that – with the help of Jesus’ extraordinary presence – serves to glorify His goodness and mercy. and yours can, too.

with love + lots of prayers,

MWB + SCB.

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emotional, marriage, personal, physical, spiritual

put your phone down + mean it, too.

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“put your phone down,” i whispered to myself as we waited for the red light to turn green again. it was automatic for me – a red light meant i could grab my phone. i looked in my rearview mirror and saw our cutie little gal pal looking right back at me. my heart sunk for a moment – how much more quality time could i have with her if only i wasn’t so attached to my phone? the reality of that truth sunk in in that moment as i continued to look at her through my rearview mirror. a big ‘ol smile stretched across her face as she realized i was still looking at her – now smiling – too.

it was a smile i wouldn’t have seen had i not put my phone down.

my desire has always been to be a stay at home, work from home mama. and i’m blessed because that’s exactly what i get to do and be! SUCH a gift! yet it becomes increasingly clear to me that building a business from home AND hanging out with our babies at home are two jobs in and of themselves. and if i’m not careful, or intentional, or willing to see growth opportunities and set boundaries – i’m going to half-ass both.

maybe you’ve felt it, too? that gnawing anxious feeling. that tug at your heart to check your phone again. and again. and again. because why? i’m not sure why it might be for you, if you feel this too. but for me?

because i’m bored. because it’s mindless. because i’ve trained myself to reach for my phone to fill empty space or silence or stillness. because FOMO. because i want to be the best business owner i can be. because it’s actually my job. [okay for real, can we as business owners stop using this as an excuse to ALWAYS be checking our phones?! it’s not necessary or sustainable] because i want to make sure no one needs me + everyone is okay. because i. because i. because i. you get the point.

another instance: Cal and i were heading downstairs to hangout, and i realized i’d left my phone on my desk as i was already halfway down the stairs. “hang on Cal pal,” i said. “i have to get my —” “PHONE, mama?!” Cal finished my sentence for me. our 2 year old finished my sentence for me. another one of those moments in which it became clear: “put your phone down, Shal.”

boundaries – they’ve been everything for me + my sanity. it’s been an intentional choice in so many moments of our day to day. and for all of you ladies that are work from home, mom from home kinda gals: we’re not created to feel that ugly, awful tension between our phones + our babies day in and day out. we can actively choose to be present in business AND be present with our babes. and heck, maybe you’re just super attached to your phone or ipad or laptop or something completely different that’s taking your mind + heart + attention away from the people you want to be most present with. i think we all have room for improvement in some way, shape, or form, don’t we?

boundaries. it’s been a work in progress. yet, i’m realizing in this Lenten season that He’s speaking clearly into the attachments i have + hold: “listen first. see first. be still first. be bored first. be present first. come to Me first.”

dang, God. okay – i hear You.

y’all, the people placed in front of us matter. the reason i wanted to be a ‘build a business from home’ kinda mama is because i wanted to have + experience the FREEDOM it is to go to the Science Museum or swim lessons or to ice cream with gal pal whenever we wanted to. NOT so that i’d feel like i had to check my phone [mindlessly, or not] all of the time while on a girls’ day with her. maybe that resonates with you, too.

we can do better. we can grow. it’s a daily, moment by moment choice. there’s nothing passive about intention. and maybe it’s not just with our kiddos. maybe it’s putting our screens away to be most present with our family and our friends. maybe it’s INTENTIONALLY choosing not to scroll while we’re in line to checkout at the grocery store or in line to grab coffee. perhaps it’s – instead – making eye contact, in a rearview mirror or with the person standing in line beside us or with our spouse across the table – and smiling in the silence.

and in that silent smile, we can communicate love + sight + joy. we can communicate intentional presence and gratitude for the people in front of us.

i’m still growing and failing and tweaking and trying new things to be most present with Cal, most present in my business, most present with MWB + all those around me in the day-to-day. it’s not always easy and it takes work. because being intentional is work. but it’s the kind of work that bears fruit, always.

as for the practicals – here are some things that have really helped me stay present in my faith life, family life, fitness life and ‘biz owner life. maybe something resonates with you, too.

  1. always show up + hang with God. it doesn’t matter if it’s imperfect, messy, not a ton of time, you don’t know what to say, etc. show up any way – listen first. He’ll meet you in the silence if you give Him any silence at all.
  2. wake up before the rest of the family to work on your business. it’s what i like to call smart sacrifice. we all know that sustainable businesses require sacrifice – and i’m willing to show up and sacrifice. but not at the expense of time with my people. [setting the coffee the night before helps me a TON!]
  3. turn notifications off on apps/emails/texts. set time aside each day to intentionally check in on all of the above. turn phone/smart watch on silent mode [i have MWB and my parents set on EMERGENCY contact so any notifications from either of them will still come through to my phone even when on silent mode]
  4. leave phone in another room when i don’t “need” it. if i’ve intentionally worked my business in the early AM, i don’t “need” my phone for anything else until Cal [hopefully] takes a nap in the PM. i’ve honestly gone back and forth with this one because i love taking pictures of Cal when we’re just doing stuff. i’ve found, though, that i’d become so prone to taking pictures and videos of everything that i wasn’t necessarily even experiencing HER presence in those moments. it’s honestly why i typically go mute on instagram/facebook stories once she’s up in the AM – it’s because my phone’s in another room altogether + i’m trying to just soak her up!
  5. have a TOP 3 list for the day. whether it’s laundry or business-y things or running errands – have a TOP 3 things to get done + let the rest be the rest. if i get through my TOP 3 for the day and can do a few more things – great! if not, i’ll bump the next priorities up to my TOP 3 for the day to come. it is rare that anything is an actual emergency – especially if you’re taking the necessary time to plan ahead.

as i’m wrapping up #5 above, i’m hearing Cal stir from her nap. [honestly just hoping her clothes + diaper are still on and that she hasn’t peed in her crib again #momlife] so here i go – choosing intentional presence though i’d REALLY love to get this up + posted + just move on with it. God’s always teaching me more about patience though. so i’m off to smile at Cal, face to face, + be 100% mama to her, too.

let’s lean into the challenge it is to dismiss distraction, yeah? let’s lean into the challenge it is to set healthy boundaries that allow us to love + serve most – in each area of our lives. let’s lean into the challenge it is to put our phones [or insert your screen of choice here] + mean it, too.

SCB.

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emotional, marriage, personal, physical, spiritual, Uncategorized

Freedom + Suffering

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my word for 2021 is FREEDOM. and for as thrilling as it is to know that He and i will be working on all things freedom this year – it also, honestly, terrifies me a bit. i guess that’s what i’m here to share about…

i’ve been wrestling with Him for a long while, almost holding my heart just close enough to be present with Him, but not so close as to…truly understand freedom.

freedom, in our culture, is a lot like: doing what i want when i want how i want. and i know better than that. you probably do, too. yet freedom, to Him…what does that mean and look like? how is it lived out?

i despise even typing these next words for a couple reasons: it’s a testament to the pride i still have. it’s a testament to the faith i still lack. it’s a testament to the fact that i’m…not there yet. [whatever ‘there’ means in a faith, sense…]

my fear? that true freedom will involve some sort of intense earthly suffering and death on my part. or on the part of those closest to me. that…[ugh…] we can only experience true, redemptive freedom by way of some sort of suffering, purification, and a strengthening/deepening of faith… true freedom will be born from the acceptance of His will for me. and what if His will for me is…to suffer. so that i may die to myself and be made new. so that i may die. and be raised again.

this all sounds really…dramatic? i’m not really sure of the word. cryptic? idk. but have you experienced this too? “if i choose to grow closer and closer to You, will i die a painful and ugly death?”

i cringe. i’m so far away from holiness and this entire year, so far, has been spent really wrestling with the fact that i’m not afraid to follow Him, but i am afraid to suffer. i fear i’ll go to the doctor and be given a death sentence. or someone in our immediate family will. and we’ll suffer. and die. and that will be our way of sanctification and i’m terrified of any of that. yet have no basis, really, for any of it.

so i’m trying to wrestle well. i’m trying to make sense of suffering and sanctification and how they go hand in hand with the type of freedom we were all created for. i’m trying to drag myself out of this notion that the closer i get to His heart, the more i [or we…] will suffer.

freedom: not chained to anything or anyone in this world. freely offering my life, my gifts, my skills, my voice, my people back to Him without reservation. freedom: an opportunity to trust with all of who i am. the ability to hand over what i desire in alignment with His will for me. freedom: a loving acceptance of this Truth – He is a good, good Father and is exactly who He says He is: divine physician, merciful counselor, promise keeper, e t e r n a l .

i want to trust Him FREELY. i want to live in the FREEDOM He created me to live in. i want to suffer willingly, graciously, and with the ability to sing His praises through it all. i want to welcome what He has planned for me with welcome and open arms. and i don’t want to be afraid of moving nearer and nearer to His Sacred Heart.

“Suffering with Jesus is ALWAYS the path to life for you and for others. No matter what. Don’t forget that.” said a very wise spiritual director to me once. and i’ve sat with those words ever since – especially this year.

SCB.

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embracing the ordinary.

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i sell leggings for a living. there is nothing holy or extraordinary about the work i do. i show up, share on social media, wear the gear i love, and all else follows.

my life is ordinary from day to day. i chase gal pal Cal around, cross my fingers and pray she takes a nap so i can breathe a bit [she usually doesn’t], and we continue on. laundry, dishes, and whatever is in between. add in corona virus life and i’m also trying to keep some form of silence in our home as MWB works away in his makeshift office – our room.

there is nothing extraordinary about my life.

yet i’ve been wrestling with the paradox of who He is and who He created me to be. i know, in the depths of my soul, that i was not created for the ordinary, but for the extraordinary. i was not created to remain in what is comfortable, known and certain. i was created to come to the edge of my very self. to ask tough questions and think deep thoughts and share what i’m learning about it all.

i sell leggings for a living and there’s something extraordinary about it all. not because of the materials themselves, but because this vehicle is my ordinary way to invite Him in. and HE transforms it all – my work, my vocation, the ordinary – into what continues to prove to be all things extraordinary.

pause where you are. love right now. see the person in front of you. and realize that your vocation, your life, your purpose + mission might just be found right here in the ordinary, too.

SCB.

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emotional, marriage, personal, spiritual

finances // seasons of tithing.

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[First published on the Blessed Is She Blog]

We were newlyweds, just recently married and on our grand adventure on life. Matt and I met in law school, fell in love, got married, and then moved to Denver, CO. We didn’t have a lot, but we had each other. It was just the two of us, and eventually, our dog Sully. We’d wake up on Saturday mornings, go for a walk downtown, stop at a local coffee shop, chat with those we sat next to and that was life for us. Carefree. Simple. Comfortable.

Made for More

One Saturday, as we took our usual morning stroll, I looked at Matt and said: “We’ve got it pretty dang good, wouldn’t you say? We’re so comfortable!” Matt agreed and we kept walking.

I sat in those words and still do. I knew Jesus well enough, at that point, to know that there had to be more than this, for as lovely as this was for us. We were comfortable. We went where we wanted to, spent when we wanted to and for whatever we wanted to. Because we could! Sure, we gave to Church, but our hearts weren’t quite in the right place just yet.

It wasn’t long after that that our little (surprise) gal pal, Callan, was born. Parenthood was the first time that Matt and I began to feel stretched. Between diapers and clothes and all of the other baby things you need, we also experienced two hospital stays in Cal’s first three months of life. Suddenly, we had less than we did to begin with and it felt, in a lot of ways, that there was a reason behind it all. And with God, there always is a reason, isn’t there?

An Abundance of Perspective

Aside from massive law school loans, we were now piled high with medical bills nearing the 50k mark. Stretched was an understatement. We honestly, at times, felt poor. And in our poverty, He came to us.

It took having our world turned upside down for us to realize that we wanted to re-prioritize how and why and when we spent what we had. We truly began to internalize the Truth that what we had (and did not have, for that matter) was a true gift from the Lord. God shook us out of comfort and into a season of life in which we grew to cling to Him, and it’s been one of the greatest blessings in our marriage.

Letting God Make Our Financial Goals

Matt and I say that we want to get rich and die poor. It’s true, we do. But with that said, the heart behind it all is His. We recognize now that coffee dates come second behind giving. I truly believe that had we not experienced such financial struggle when we did, we would have continued down a road of comfort. And we know that we’re not created for comfort, but for greatness. And it is in the struggle that we become great. More holy. Refined and refocused. We learn that all is gift for He gives and takes away. Only to strengthen us and our bond with Him.

We are still trudging through both our student loans and medical bills. And the trudging has brought us so near to one another and deeper into His Heart. It is in giving that we truly receive—and so it is with us. Though our coffee dates are now few and far between, we are comforted knowing that our priorities are what they should be. Our duty is to tithe first, and all else second. Tithing is a beautiful sacrifice, an offering from our hands to His.

Emptying + Filling

It’s interesting, how God works, isn’t it? How He constantly calls us to trust and follow. He empties us, only to fill us again so that we may overflow and be made new. God sure emptied us, and in a lot of ways, we are still empty. Yet from an eternal perspective, we are more wholehearted than ever before.

How is the Lord calling you to surrender your finances to Him? How are you feeling stretched right now and how is He speaking into it all? Go to Him. Sit with Him. Empty what you so tightly cling to and let Him refill your life with His presence and lead!

SCB.

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longing in the both/and.

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i’m not entirely certain how to start this post, so i guess i’ll just dive in as my heart pours out. right now, in my prayer time, i’m sitting with this idea of ‘longing’. what it means, what it looks like, how it manifests in our lives. + right now, longing for me looks a lot like seeing Cal playing by herself + hoping, praying, boldly [and sometimes not so boldly…] asking God to bless us with another baby.

these words are even hard to type, i’m finding. because not only is this real life for me right now, i know it’s real life for many women i know as well. the longing is real. it catches me by surprise. and the longing grows each day.

i snapped this picture this morning of Cal reading to Sonny + Teddy [yup, those are their names!] as MWB + i spent some time in prayer. it was a moment that caught me by surprise. just over a year ago we lost our second baby. and that little one would have turned one in March. see that empty space right next to Cal? the longing suddenly felt like a gut punch.

the questions + thoughts flood back immediately. why, how, why, why, why? how, why? please never again.

yet in that momentary suffering, the light shone bright + in my longing, the choice to surrender made itself known. i’m simultaneously juggling ASKING BIG, bold asks AND holding my hands + heart open, still, to all that He has planned for me, for our little family, and for our future. even if, even when, He is still good. this push + pull, this tug of war, this wrestling with the desires of my own heart. Lord! may Your will be done. even if, even when – may i know beyond else that You are for me!

so i stand, and continue to knock at the door. persistent, unflinching, sometimes tired, but wholly aware of who i ask these big things of. He is with me – in my longings, too.

it is a hard place to be still in, isn’t it? & we can often push the stillness + silence away so we don’t have to face the the paradoxical heartache of it all. in the emptiness, His presence fills my present. within the longing, within surrender. both/and. i’m learning a lot about how He is a God of both/and. joy + suffering. longing + surrender. rejoicing + sorrow. hope for the future + mindful presence for what is now. gratitude for what we have + expectation for what we so desire. both/and. the paradox!

i don’t know if we’ll have more babies. i don’t know if we’ll have more babies that’ll make it to this side of Heaven. i don’t know much more than what i’ve shared above, and more than anything else – i want to say this: it’s okay. to be both/and. to wait with great expectation + surrender with open hands and heart to His will. to long wholeheartedly for new life + feel gut punched sometimes, too. to dwell within the goodness of today + hope for the goodness of another little heart beat. to grieve the little life lost + rejoice in who might be to come. both/and.

motherhood is not linear. grief is not linear. miscarriage + the days that follow are not linear. joy is not linear. sorrow is not linear. but we hope, still, for things unseen knowing always that the hand of God works all things out for good – even when they are not linear.

Lord, help me to surrender my longings to you. help me to see Your hand amidst the goodness of today. help me to continue to ask big asks without doubting who i know You to be. help me hope in what is unknown + know that in Your heart, where i stand, i am kept close. i am heard, i am seen, + my longings are Yours, first.

SCB.

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it’s time.

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again, i begin another post with something along with lines of…”it’s been so long…” and it has, that’s true. but this time around, it isn’t for lack of words to say or stories to tell. it was because lots of healing had to happen first. and although we’re still in the process + journey of healing, we are making our way towards a brand new season – one of JOY + STRENGTH + LOVE like we’ve never known before.

as i type these words, i actively shoo away fear, dread, + a twinge of anxiety. because our story is real and raw. it is the hard stuff that happens behind the scenes of neat photos and stories filled with laughter and all good things. and yet, in this time away from writing, God has been reminding me on repeat: “no part of your story is unknown to Me, no part of your story has been a surprise to Me, + no part of your story will be left broken – for I Am who I say I am – Divine Physician, Healer, Counselor, Mercy + Love Himself. no part of your story is left without meaning to share…” and with that reminder, i continue to type away…

“people who are facing their shit head-on shouldn’t be pitied or stigmatized, but applauded.” MWB said as we drove home from a family day out this past weekend. in that moment, i knew that it was time to write again. to share some of our story that we haven’t yet.

his words fluttered straight to my heart, “YES!!!!!” i mostly screamed. so much of what we’ve experienced over the past year has wrecked us in a lot of ways – and with Faith – we are being restored. with Faith, we have found tools + resources + people that have helped us through some of the most difficult of days. with Faith, we stand firm – hand in hand – knowing the goodness of marriage is right here in this Sacrament. not because it’s been perfect, but because we are two people with faults + failures that refuse to give up on each other. 

WE are those people. WE are the people who are facing their shit head-on – and we shouldn’t be pitied or stigmatized for it. WE are the couple in marriage counseling, and we have been for a little over a year now. and for us, it’s been an incredible experience.

i won’t touch on why we initially began counseling, but share instead about how beautiful it’s been for us as a couple. as individuals. as parents. as people that seek the Lord and long for eternity.

the point is that marriage is hard. it’s so easy to scroll social media and see happy, smiling faces. and i’m not saying that those happy, smiling faces are insincere. but i am saying that there is, more often than not, more to the story than what appears. marriage is hard. none of us are perfect. and because marriage is hard and neither MWB or i are perfect, we knew that we could use the tools + resources of a 3rd party to help guide us along. a 3rd party who could speak into the ways we communicate with one another. the ways we each feel valued, affirmed, seen and loved. a 3rd party who could help us sort through some of our past wounds + help us grow because of them instead of let them eat us away. from ashes, new life is born.

and that’s been our experience. HEALING takes work. it is hard, ugly, messy, exhausting work. but in the madness of it all, healing brings new life.

a seed is either buried or it is planted – it’s based on the perspective.

marriage counseling, for us, has been a way to become more rooted beside one another, and most importantly, in God. in who He has created us to be as individuals, as husband and wife, as parents to Callan and any future babies we have. marriage counseling has been transformative in our relationship & we are better humans all around because of it. MWB and i honestly joke that we are marriage counseling lifers. it’s been incredible.

so all of that to say – we’re not perfect + neither is our marriage. but we sure as heck face our shit head-on +  fight for each other as we fight for Heaven. we are best friends that – because of the tools and resources we are equipped with – have the capacity to love more freely, selflessly + perfectly because we dove into what is often seen as a *gasp* last resort.

counseling for us was not a last resort, but a way to better ourselves so we may, in turn, better our future. + none of this should be pitied or stigmatized. 

MWB + i pray ceaselessly for other couples that – for whatever reason – sense that tug on their hearts to seek the tools + resources they need to love more purely, deeply + selflessly as Christ Himself does. you are not alone. you are not pitied. you are not stigmatized. you are strong + courageous + BOLD for recognizing the benefit that the extra tools + resources could be.

we are praying for you. we know the work it takes. and we’d do it over and over again to be right where we are today.

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emotional, marriage, personal, spiritual

to live wholehearted.

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one year ago today. april 21, 2019. MWB + i sat in the living room of our tiny one-bedroom apartment in Denver. our little girl was just 4 months old, and i held her as she slept in my tired arms. 2 months prior, i had been in the hospital for an overnight stay for Rhabdomyolysis. my arms, as i held our girl, were still so weak. i needed to use 2 hands to simply open the refrigerator door. and just a month after my hospital stay, our sweet gal pal Cal spent 7 days in the hospital for Bronchiolitis and an underlying virus. it had been a wild start to the year.

on top of all of that, i’d just left my health coaching gig of two years. without going into that in detail – the jist of it was this: i was tired of giving my emotional scraps to MWB + our new gal pal + i was tired of working my booty off + not earning back what i put in. i left behind something i really loved, knowing in my heart, that He had something up ahead, for me + for us as a family.

but real talk: i felt like a failure. i felt like i let so many people down. i have a law degree + i’m not using it. i thought i was a life-long health coach + i left it. but with each decision to leave something behind, there has always been, in the silence of my heart, His profound p e a c e. i’ve always told myself: go where the peace is. and the reality is that to go where the peace is – most of the time – requires great sacrifice. it leaves people wondering, “what the hell is she thinking?!” but fighting for + pursuing peace is not something any of us has to answer for.

we sat – looking at one another, and out of nowhere MWB asked, “have you given any more thought to doing Zyia full-time?” my heart stopped. YES! a resounding yes! i couldn’t stop thinking about it and praying through it, actually. i could sense that there was something there for me – but what would people say? would they think of me as a failure, too? would they call me a flip-flop? would they decide that this would be something i’d also fail at?

i sat in silence, looking at the Zyia Rep Starter Kit that had been sitting on our kitchen table for a couple months. i thought about our new + crippling medical bills. i thought about our law school loans. i wondered if we would ever have an actual house to live in. i looked down at Callan + thought about how i’d always wanted to be a stay at home mama… but also needed that “thing” that i could do while at home to…stay sane. i looked up to our Jesus icon in our living room + silently prayed, “give me courage, Jesus. lead me into Your peace!”

on april 21, 2019, i decided that i wasn’t going to give a damn about what other people thought or said about me. i decided i was going to be shameless in pursuit of where i knew wholeheartedly that He was leading me. i decided that i was going to truly internalize + live out this Truth: God takes what is ordinary + makes it extraordinary. i decided that i had to stop wondering if i did the right thing by leaving a career in Law behind. i decided that i had today, right now, to get up + make moves. i decided, on april 21, 2019, that i was going to retire MWB from his legal career by the time he turned 35 with my Zyia gig.

i looked at MWB + finally responded to his question, “yes, i haven’t stopped thinking about it, actually.” to which he replied, “then do it. i believe in you!” [okay, crying over here!]

can we just pause for a moment + talk about how dang important and special it is to have a spouse that believes in you even before you believe in you? and encourages you? and tells you to do the dang thing when you’re still on the fence? thank you, Jesus, for the best friend you’ve given me in MWB!

on april 21, 2019, i began rep’ing for Zyia Active wholeheartedly.

+ here we are: today, april 21, 2020, just 366 days later [leap year!]. i honestly can’t stop tearing up today. here’s a summary of what’s happened in our lives over the past year:

  1. on may 10th, 2019, i received my first paycheck from Zyia that was the equivalent + more of what my health coaching paycheck was when i left after 2 years. i exhaled for the first time in months. it’s not all about the money – but sometimes it is.
  2. i am spending less time working + more time with MWB + Cal – i didn’t start a work from home ‘biz to work MORE. i started an at home ‘biz because i wanted to spend MORE time with my people.
  3. the sweetest women i’ve ever known have entered my life + become some of my very best friends. it has been healing. it has been hilarious. it has been miraculous. it has been just the best thing. one of my biggest prayers has been + continues to be answered a million fold.
  4. we have a little one in Heaven. on august 4th, 2020 we found out we were pregnant again. two days later, i miscarried. it has been one of the most difficult journey’s i’ve walked – but i continue to go where the peace is + the peace is in knowing that our baby rests in the strong arms of our Heavenly Father. and that is enough for me. thank you for praying for us, little one. pray for your sister, she is mischievous!
  5. we bought a house. our very own house. it honestly makes my knees weak to think about where we were just one year ago. we were 99.9% sure we’d move back to Minnesota [where i’m from] because the cost of living there is so much lower than CO. we wanted to stay here in CO, but couldn’t between those medical bills, law school loans + the cost of housing. so much felt so impossible. yet, here we are. in our sweet little home that we were able to remodel + make ours. Cal doesn’t have to sleep in a tiny apartment closet [or bathroom] anymore!
  6. i have my own office! it’s something i’ve always dreamt of + it’s come to fruition. inspiring quotes on the wall and everything! a space in which i really am making our dreams our reality.
  7. g r o w t h . it’s been the biggest most incredible part of the past year. and for as difficult and painful as growth can be, i’m coming to recognize just how necessary + BEAUTIFUL it is. the other day, i pruned our peace lily. as i trimmed back the stems, i couldn’t help but think of the Father pruning me. my heart, my mind, my life. He gives + takes away. but never to inflict hurt. always to prompt + encourage GROWTH. but pruning is painful. it forces us to step back + dig deep. it is exhausting work – to fight growth. and yet it is also exhausting work – to grow. both are exhausting, but lead to different outcomes: a better sense of who He is + His plans for us OR more exhaustion + confusion. so grow, friend. grow out of that comfort zone + into who He’s calling you to be.
  8. we’re exploding as a Zyia team. the community. the encouragement. i am surrounded by women who make me wanna be better. there are few things better than strength in sisterhood. and i am on my way to retire sweet MWB by the time he turns 35…maybe before…!

it’s been a whirlwind of a year. i’ve been pruned in incredibly challenging and painful ways. and i’ve grown from it. i’ve realized that there is no such thing as failure if our hearts are really set upon the Lord. i’ve drowned myself in His mercy + love so that i may be a better vessel in this world – and the rest has followed. surrender requires sacrifice, but He always gives so much more in return. it’s who He is.

so, reminders to you, sweet friend. do the thing – whatever the thing is. quit being afraid to live + live fully alive. if we are not where we want to be, perhaps, it is because we keep talking ourselves out of it… incredible what not believing in ourselves can cost us, isn’t it? stop wondering about what people are saying or thinking about you + run to Him! be still with Him. He will tell your heart all it needs to know. return to Him constantly to be reminded. go where the peace is – because it is always there, waiting to be found. embrace the seasons of pruning + know + believe that there is l i g h t + immense growth to come. you have a purpose. it is okay if it takes a while to find. + when you know you’ve found it – jump. do the work. laugh a lot. cry the tears. and be grateful for it all.

you are becoming the best version of you, every step of the way. + there is goodness in that.

here’s to my first full year with Zyia Active. and what an incredible year it’s been. here’s to many more! wholeheartedly amazed. and even that is an understatement.

SCB.

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emotional, personal, spiritual

here, too.

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books scattered everywhere. peanut butter crackers stuck in the floor. silence when she’s into something she shouldn’t be – like Bengay or hemorrhoid cream. yup, i went there.

this is my office space. where dreams come to life. for her + with her by my side. it’s a disaster + the sweetest space simultaneously. the paradox, right?

as we approach Easter Sunday, my prayer for us all is that the disasters + challenges in our lives are met with hearts willing to see + choose the beauty, the good, the Truth. no matter how dang hard it is to see.

it is here – right here. in the disaster, the chaos, the hardship. there is GRACE right here. in the ordinary. in our mess. He is here, too. at the cross of paradox – immeasurable JOY is found. ✨

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